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Submitted by: maura_ea On: June 30th, 2005
File Size: 5 KB
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Artist's Comment:
*NOTE: This piece is still being worked on! I'll be updating it as soon as more is written - but please don't let that stop anyone from commenting on what's been posted already - THANKS!*
WAKING UP, SHE SURPRISINGLY DIDN'T FEEL DISORIENTED. She felt tiny and hidden and playful - but not disoriented. She didn't have to think to realize where she was; in the field with the tall grass that shivered in waves from the wind. She didn't have to move to feel how she lay; on her left side with her left arm bent and pillowing her head. She didn't have to listen to hear the nothingness that was the place. Disoriented she was not. When she opened her eyes and peeked through the tall grass that surrounded her, grass so tall that she'd have to look straight up to see a bit of the sky, she saw the spider. She didn't like spiders. Spiders reminded her of the Hindu God with the many arms, arms that all held and did something different. But again, unpredictably this spider didn't scare her. It was as if the non-disorientation of this disorientating moment was casting a protective shell around her and keeping her safe from even her own fears. The spider climbed purposely up the blade grass, arm over arm, reaching out and grabbing for a second blade a quarter of the way up, and switching back again once the second blade had peeked before the spider was done. At the top it stood still. Then, as if feeling the turning of the world around it, it began to let go of the blade of grass. One arm. Two arms. Three arms. This spider, small and insignificant so far as the world may be concerned, was holding on with two arms and when the breeze came rushing through the tall grass it simply let go. It was picked up, the wind was gentle and warm and kind as could be and the spider hitched its ride, and she was able to watch for only a moment before the spider was lost amongst the grass once more.
She sat up once the spider was gone, as she felt alone, the grass coming up to her shoulders with the tops brushing and tickling her pale bare arms. The grass stretched on for miles, rolling over hillsides and butting up against a forest of tall trees with giant leaves in the shape of stars. She recognized the forest, as she recognized her place in the grass, and so she stood up and started in that direction.
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I know you're still editing and you might know what things you want to change and edit.
My opinion is that it has really nice wording, but the flow seems to be missing. Maybe it's because there's no paragraphs for the eye to break, soak in what it read and start again.
I think I would put most of how she wasn't disoriented into one or two sentences at most, how it is now sounds a bit repetitive. After a while I was thinking, "Okay, I get it, she's not disoriented".
I really like the last paragraph and I love the description "She recognized the forest, as she recognized her place in the grass, and so she stood up and started in that direction." It sounds so much nicer than if someone said something like "She knew where she was and headed off in the direction she needed to go." Which is probably what I would have wrote...hence why I'm not a writer.
I like how you write about how the spider going about it's business, I've been in those types of situations where you're just watching something pass by. Felling like you are watching TV or something, it gives you such a Zen feeling.
Can’t wait to see the fixed up version. :D
A. Dawn Wolf
[ link ]
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"I've burnt all the holy pages I used to carry
but poems flare in my heart" - Ikkyu
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I love it that you're criticizing my work, truthfully, and I still laugh 
I understand what you mean about the repetition of her disorientation. I guess I was just trying, in my own mind, to figure out HOW disoriented she was - and how much is surprised her that she wasn't.
Thanks for the comments, keep checking back 'cause I'll need more!
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Sometimes, it takes the mind a few minutes to comprehend what is going on. If it didn't, "Alice In Wonderful" never could have happened. I enjoyed your repetition of the character's disorientation because it made me feel like she didn't know that she wasn't disoriented at all, no matter how many times she told herself. It was more of a pleasant waylaid-ness than a disorientation, but even she didn't know that yet, if that makes sense. 
Prplflwr20
"I smile becuz I have no idea what's going on...and I'm trying to keep it that way.", she said as she stuck her fingers in her ears and started to sing, "La,la,la,la....La,la,la,la". 
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